As I think and move along the path of being a married bi male, I find myself thinking of something that Sunstone, and my wife brought up last night. The curve. The curve is when you no longer take the pleasure from the bondage or D/S, and keep pushing forward. Bigger, better, hotter ideas that force you to push yourself and your limits. Not just your limits, but the limits of your partner. And that curve is dangerous for you and your partner(s). The curve will break you or make you, and its important to be aware of that curve. I’ve not reached that curve, nor have I pushed my wife to that curve. But now that she’s reminded me of the curve I am going to keep and eye out for it. Because I need my wife. She is my love, my best friend. She has been there for me when everyone else has faded or died. She is the one.
But as i contemplate the curve, I realize that while i don’t need Domme’d or bondage every time we have sex, I want it. I need it. Crave it in so many ways. But love making is important too. Don’t stop thinking about the pure aspect of sex, of love making. Expressing love and need physically. We need this, and like my wife said… she can’t domme me every time. I agree, and i have come to realize when exactly I need the Domme/bondage. Its when my everyday life is out of control and I feel that everything is out of control. I use the high, the intimacy of bondage to break free of the pain, the frustrations.
See, bondage is different for everyone. Some use it as the only way to get off, some like I do, others need the pain and terror to feel alive. As I grow and become more and more comfortable in my skin, in my needs, I understand.
I understand the bondage, and the bisexuality.
Its who I am. The curve won’t happen if I keep my eye out for it,
But as I understand questions arise. Things pop into my mind. Fantasy or need? Want or have?
It is those questions that bother me, make me scared for myself. Not that I would do something stupid, so fucking stupid, like cheating. I’m not that type. Things have happened in the past that might have lead to it, but I never acted upon them in a manner that would destroy my relationship with my wife. Because of the bisexuality that we share, she does understand where I stand on my questions. Of the need for a same sex partner or not. Of the moments of feeling like I’m the most disturbing motherfucker in the world because of my needs, my wants.
But I’m normal. There are some things that are not normal, and those people need shot. Then burned, stabbed, and left to heal and done to again. Unless they like it. Then just kill them. And in my realization of my normality I take comfort from knowing that this is just part of me. This below is something that I find hot.
There are times that I wonder what my limit could or would be. I know that my limit isn’t the same as my fantasy limits. In my head thinking of naughty things I want done to me its safe. In the real world the smallest thing could trigger a panic. So while I want to push forward, see what we can do together I want to expand in some ways. The bondage is new to us, in my craving and need for it being accepted by me. See, my wife knew I was a switch and bi before I did. She is pure Domme, and what I need.
As a switch my mind wanders, from wanting domme’d by Amanda to wanting to dom a man. I’d dom the right guy so hard its not even funny. But with the right guy I want to be dom/domme’d. But I could never dom my wife. I can’t do that to women.
And as I delve deeper into the different aspects of FemDom, submissive males, and what not I realize that I am different from most. I love rope bondage, I love being domme’d hard. I love the idea of domming a man hard. But the pain, the cringe worthy things that people do bother me. For me, there is a difference between being domme’d hard and being hurt. The form of domme’d and bondage I need are more intimate forms of it. i want to be domme’d by her in ways that expel both our frustrations and stress, not just mine. Amanda the other night surprised me. She’s domme’d me before, and damn well.
But she was getting turned on by it. I could hear her breathe deeper, erratically. I could sense her arousal at me being domme’d and loving it. She was turned on by my captivity. I’ve known for awhile that she is a Domme, but she came into her own right then. She did things that she’d never done before, and I wanted her to push me. Push me to limits, but as a Sub I couldn’t ask without ruining what I needed from her. So, afterwards we talked about what was awesome, what I wanted and need.
And to me, that is a way to avoid the curve. Talk, discuss, work together. Because I want to never see the curve. That is the goal, well besides some really hot orgasms. To express and show our affection through the B/D/S, and every day life. Right now in our real lives things are insanely busy, crazy. It sucks, but we deal with it and make things as best as we can. But I have a few ideas in the next few months to make things better, make her smile. But, for now I’m gonna go think about some stuff.
And I’m gonna avoid that Curve, that off the rails moment when things go crazy because the need to be domme’d.
But god damn being domme’d and dom’d would be fucking hot.