Tag Archives: relationships

Done with D/S, maybe for good.

I’m done with D/S with my wife, my Domme. I don’t know if it’s for ever or if its temporary.

It’s my choice, not hers. I’m still deeply in love with her, its just that she doesn’t know how to Domme me. I’m not even going to try and explain it. Nor am I on the look out for replacement. I’m done with D/S.

I needed Domme’d more often than she realized, could do for me. Its not even an angry time. Just a soft, introspective time.

I’m also done trying to find my man, my hero. I’m just done. I’ll stand by my wife in her endeavors if it hasn’t collapsed.

Right now I’m not even upset. Just making a really strange and supposedly difficult life choice. Yet for me, its simple. I’m not finding what I need, what I’m looking for. So I’m going to stop looking. Stop trying to achieve what is improbable right now

Bi sexual and how I’m doing

So, I’m bi and I’m in the process of trying to figure out how to find what I need within my bisexual needs. I have my wonderful wife, but I need a man. But good god my situation is so unique and difficult that even finding someone able to understand it… Nearly impossible.

Yes, I’m married. Yes she knows about me being bi and needing a male counterpart. Yes, I’m happy with her. No, I don’t want to just bang out. I want a full on relationship with her and a man in my life.

But I live in a very conservative area and I don’t have any way of locally looking for what I need, not easily. But as I have gone on OkCupid and a few other sites and apps, its becoming apparent that even just finding a man who can accept what I need with what I have is difficult. I have been thinking lately of trying to find a poly dating site that isn’t a paywall hell, but allows me to branch out. At this point of my introspective spot that I’m in, I realize that I am such a unique creature that its like looking for a unicorn in a herd of zebras. Its there somewhere, but to see it between all the stripes and running around is difficult. Not to mention the dust storm kicked up from the running and stampeding.

So I shall take a step back, allow the universe to work for me, instead of me working against it. I have only been on the sites for about a month and I’ve shot gunned many people with messages and have made at least one lasting connection as friend. I’m grateful for her to listen and talk because we teach each other. I’m a bit dense and off kilter at times but overall I’m ok.

That is the thing that I have to understand, Im Ok. I’m not failing in my marriage and looking for love elsewhere, but growing and needing. So I need to change and alter my perceptions a bit. And maybe the first step is to take a few back so I can see what the universe brings to me. I’ve done it for awhile now, and although nothing has come to me, I feel as if its close to coming. I’ve been the one to reach out and talk and message, instead of waiting. 

You see, some may say I don’t even know what I want or need. Some would say I’m not ready if some things keep happening. But after you’ve been awakened to you and what you need its hard to step back. See, for years I just thought I was hetero with a bit of kinky. But as I look forward and backwards I see that I was bi all along and just didn’t accept it. I could have if my religious upbringing wasn’t so enforced into me. It could have been a thousand times easier. But it wasn’t. So here I am now. 

But one of the biggest difficulties in our world is that we men cannot talk frankly or openly about our emotional and or sexual needs with other men. Its frowned upon in many circles if your bisexual and its wrong. But you know what? Its not wrong. Its not wrong that your hetero or homosexual. It is what it is. Bisexuality is the ability to love more than one and to not be tied down to normal sexual identities in many cases. When one speaks of bisexuality or fluid or many other terms, its not the devil speaking. Its that person speaking. Of who they are and what they need or want. 

Being bisexual is strange and difficult and many other things at once. 

Its like your pulse quickens and that thread of tension appears randomly when you’re not expecting it to hit you. Yeah, I’ve had my ups and downs with being bi, and how that changes me and everything I know. But at the same time it feels right.

It is me at my purest form as I am. I need that duality and balance because this time around its what I am here to learn, to experience. The last time I was here, I wasn’t for long and couldn’t be me then, so yeah, I am going to be me now. I’m also going to search for what I need, not just what I want, but truly need to be happy. I have two halves of the equation already (wife and kids), and now its just a matter of finding a guy too.

(NSFW) The curve

 

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As I think and move along the path of being a married bi male, I find myself thinking of something that Sunstone, and my wife brought up last night. The curve. The curve is when you no longer take the pleasure from the bondage or D/S, and keep pushing forward. Bigger, better, hotter ideas that force  you to push yourself and your limits. Not just your limits, but the limits of your partner. And that curve is dangerous for you and your partner(s). The curve will break you or make you, and its important to be aware of that curve. I’ve not reached that curve, nor have I pushed my wife to that curve. But now that she’s reminded me of the curve I am going to keep and eye out for it. Because I need my wife. She is my love, my best friend. She has been there for me when everyone else has faded or died. She is the one. 

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But as i contemplate the curve, I realize that while i don’t need Domme’d or bondage every time we have sex, I want it. I need it. Crave it in so many ways. But love making is important too. Don’t stop thinking about the pure aspect of sex, of love making. Expressing love and need physically. We need this, and like my wife said… she can’t domme me every time. I agree, and i have come to realize when exactly I need the Domme/bondage. Its when my everyday life is out of control and I feel that everything is out of control. I use the high, the intimacy of bondage to break free of the pain, the frustrations. 

See, bondage is different for everyone. Some use it as the only way to get off, some like I do, others need the pain and terror to feel alive. As I grow and become more and more comfortable in my skin, in my needs, I understand.

I understand the bondage, and the bisexuality.

Its who I am. The curve won’t happen if I keep my eye out for it,

But as I understand questions arise. Things pop into my mind. Fantasy or need? Want or have?

It is those questions that bother me, make me scared for myself. Not that I would do something stupid, so fucking stupid, like cheating. I’m not that type. Things have happened in the past that might have lead to it, but I never acted upon them in a manner that would destroy my relationship with my wife. Because of the bisexuality that we share, she does understand where I stand on my questions. Of the need for a same sex partner or not. Of the moments of feeling like I’m the most disturbing motherfucker in the world because of my needs, my wants.

But I’m normal. There are some things that are not normal, and those people need shot. Then burned, stabbed, and left to heal and done to again. Unless they like it. Then just kill them. And in my realization of my normality I take comfort from knowing that this is just part of me. This below is something that I find hot. 

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There are times that I wonder what my limit could or would be. I know that my limit isn’t the same as my fantasy limits. In my head thinking of naughty things I want done to me its safe. In the real world the smallest thing could trigger a panic. So while I want to push forward, see what we can do together I want to expand in some ways. The bondage is new to us, in my craving and need for it being accepted by me. See, my wife knew I was a switch and bi before I did. She is pure Domme, and what I need.

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As a switch my mind wanders, from wanting domme’d by Amanda to wanting to dom a man. I’d dom the right guy so hard its not even funny. But with the right guy I want to be dom/domme’d. But I could never dom my wife. I can’t do that to women. 

And as I delve deeper into the different aspects of FemDom, submissive males, and what not I realize that I am different from most. I love rope bondage, I love being domme’d hard. I love the idea of domming a man hard. But the pain, the cringe worthy things that people do bother me. For me, there is a difference between being domme’d hard and being hurt. The form of domme’d and bondage I need are more intimate forms of it. i want to be domme’d by her in ways that expel both our frustrations and stress, not just mine. Amanda the other night surprised me. She’s domme’d me before, and damn well.

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But she was getting turned on by it. I could hear her breathe deeper, erratically. I could sense her arousal at me being domme’d and loving it. She was turned on by my captivity. I’ve known for awhile that she is a Domme, but she came into her own right then. She did things that she’d never done before, and I wanted her to push me. Push me to limits, but as a Sub I couldn’t ask without ruining what I needed from her. So, afterwards we talked about what was awesome, what I wanted and need. 

And to me, that is a way to avoid the curve. Talk, discuss, work together. Because I want to never see the curve. That is the goal, well besides some really hot orgasms. To express and show our affection through the B/D/S, and every day life. Right now in our real lives things are insanely busy, crazy. It sucks, but we deal with it and make things as best as we can. But I have a few ideas in the next few months to make things better, make her smile. But, for now I’m gonna go think about some stuff. 

And I’m gonna avoid that Curve, that off the rails moment when things go crazy because the need to be domme’d. 

 

But god damn being domme’d and dom’d would be fucking hot.

Rope bites (NSFW)

I want to feel the rope bites on my skin. I want to feel the indentations of the nylon rope left on my flesh. The muscles relaxing from the arching and struggling against them.

I want to be tied up and toyed with by my wife and a man. And this is perfectly normal. My needs are rational and good for me.

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The bindings are a release. They take the pain and frustrations away. They let me feel good about myself. In my every day life I feel frustrated, angry, hurt. I feel like no one understands me outside of a handful of people. The world doesn’t understand my interests inside and out of the bedroom. We live in a conservative state, with crazy people that think god is the only thing that’ll save us.

And as I move through this life and world I inhabit, my mind is filled with thoughts of gaming, aliens, pagan thoughts. My mind floats to my bisexuality and needs. It floats towards topics I can’t speak of out loud.

And I’m ok with this. I’m a bi male who is a switch. I’ve only ever been with my wife, but god damn do I think about domming some guys. Maybe being dominated by a few too.

But I want the rope bites. I want to feel the fabric pull against my flesh. To free me. To free my heart. And unless you know anything about D/S and bondage this is alien to you.

Welcome to my world. I feel like an alien in yours. You don’t think like I do, what I do.

And that’s normal too. See, deep down between the bisexuality and switching if I get a chance… I feel embarassed and self concious about me. I feel like I have nothing to be ashamed of yet, feel shame. I feel normal in my needs and wants of both sexes. For my needs are normal. For me. But society has filtered our perceptions of right and wrong. We all know those filters, and how they exist. But I struggle with them, daily. And I know in my heart of hearts I have nothing to be ashamed of. But the needs feel too alien, for my upbringing. Yet they are so simple.

I need my wife, my domme. I need a man to dom. It comes down to duality. I crave duality more than anything, for it balances me. And in my public mask, I act normal and like the rest of you. Behind that mask is me. We all wear masks. We all hide ourselves from the world and ourselves.

And that is normal too. See, sex is normal. It’s nature. And while animals don’t put emotional, moral, and social values on sexuality… Humans do. Its the backbone of our society and its workings. And while sex is a backbone of our culture, love is an enigma.

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Love exists. Many people base their adult lives around it. Some are “vanilla” in the expression of their love. Others like me express it differently. And as I love my wife I need things that thankfully she’s ok with. But love exists and is different. Mine involves rope bites, blindfolds, and bisexual thoughts.

The rope bites into the flesh as I struggle physically and feel my Heart soar free.

Relationships and bondage

I am a sub. A submissive, and I love it with in my limits. Light bondage and other things in that realm. But I have found a domme that fits me perfectly. My wife knows my limits and needs even better than I do.

And that goes for her too. I know what she wants and needs. I give what I can, and work towards what I can’t at this time. This isn’t love related things, but physical things. Money, a car, housing we can afford.

But bondage is like that too. You give what you can, even if its using makeshift items until you can buy something that is “official” or legitimate.

Because you make your relationships work. Because it doesn’t matter if its a wife or a best friend. You make it work as best you can so you both are satisfied.

Because if you don’t shit goes wrong and people get hurt. You have to. People need connections, solid connections to others. And if we don’t have connections we flounder.

Like a woman who doesn’t understand your need to be blindfolded and pinched, licked, or bitten… not having a connection breaks you. It makes you feel useless and weightless. You float until you find a glimmer of that woman you need, and you cling. But if you cling too hard, they run.

My wife didn’t run when I finally came out about needing to be dommed. She is a domme. Because in our everyday life, we don’t have much control over our lives and the outside influences.

Bills, not finding work, and other things like that can destroy you. Individually and connected.

And I feel like Amanda that we need to control everything. Even things we honestly can’t control. I need to be shown that I don’t need to be in control. I need to be pushed to my limits and taken properly over that.

Amanda, my Goddess, does that for me. She takes me to the limit and over it.

And in our relationship, it’s the same. Not just bad things going over the limit, but she shows me how much I can go through and still be me. And good things like two children and 13yrs together shows me just how much love I have for my family :’)

When my mom died, we were apart for over 2 months. She was at home while I was in Tennesee making sure my brothers were watched over by someone. The whole time I was down there she was convinced that I was never really coming back.

The hell I wasn’t! She and my son were in Ohio! Every night I stayed up talking to her on Yahoo chat, messenger ect. Then Id crash after my brothers got off to school. Then Id do things to take care of my moms stuff. And it was a cycle. And so many times I fell asleep crying because she was convinced that I was cheating or lying.

But I wasn’t. And I eventually came home to her and my son.

And it got better. And bad things happend. And a cycle grew. But now that I’m open about my bisexuality (whether or not I explore it, its important she knew) and my bondage needs things are on track.

So, relationships and bondage are two sides of the same coin.

You give as much as you can, ever knowing the limits. You love as much as you can and feel those limits grow with you and your lover.

And being blindfolded and fucked silly is fun too.

Conundrums and relationships

Right now things are going strange for me. I discovered the Sunstone comic by way of Amanda, and I love it. What’s bothering me is my mind set right now.

I’m a committed father, husband, lover… all the awesome things that come with marriage and family. I’ve found the person I’m spending the rest of my life with 🙂

But I’m a late bloomer when it comes to understanding that I’m bisexual too. And now I’m in a tough spot.

Amanda is bi too, but she has decided to never explore. Me on the other hand… I want to explore my bisexual side. But I just want sex. Not a relationship, but just the sexual needs sated.

I know that I would keep it to just sex. But as a married man having these thoughts I can’t but help to feel like a total piece of shit. Course, I usually do any ways, but that’s my self esteem talking.

So I’m lost and confused. I want cock, almost need to explore it. And this bothersome. I need my wife. I need my family. But do I want or need sex with men? The more I think about it, its a loud and clanging yes.

And Amanda has done the smart thing and told me its my ball game me. To decide exactly what I want and need. And she will not make that choice for me. And in so many ways I’m glad she’s forcing me to figure things out.

But I tend to be the type of person who bottles shit up until it pops. No more. But damn it I don’t know. I know men turn me on and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with men.

If she consents to allowing me to explore, does this mean my marriage is fucked? No, it doesn’t. Nor does it stay the same. It might become a deeper and more enriching experience between me and her. Or it could all fall apart. That’s what scares me, losing it all. Just fading away like a bubble.

But something I do know 100% is that Id want to explore solo. I had mentioned before to her that Id want her there my first bi encounter. Now? I want it solo. I can’t even explain why this is, it just is.

But at the same time I don’t think its fair that Id explore my bisexual needs when she isn’t. She doesn’t need to, doesn’t want to she says. I’ll take her word for it, but she came out first and part of me says she should explore first then me.

And in all honesty, Id have no problems with her exploring her bisexual side. Solo or not, if she wanted to its available with no strings from me. I’m not the kind of douchebag to tell her go for it and demand the right to do so myself.

Because I know that if she was wanting to find a woman it wouldn’t just be sex. It’d be a relationship, and that I understand and give consent to already.

Its because I understand her. I understand what she would want or need out of it. And I accept that in her heart of hearts she needs the emotional and physical connections to me and a woman. It is what it is. Its her, how and who she is. And I love her 🙂

But on my end I would just want sex. And that’s the end of it. Yet, wording this has made me realize that if done right (if at all), Ill be ok. We’ll be ok.

So, any advice?

Sunstone is perfect (NSFW topics)

I am a strange creature, sexually and emotionally. I crave to be dominated and toyed with in the bedroom, but in my real life I need to have control over everything. I need to have my responsibilities and respect. But even then its strange. With my wife Amanda bondage play is where I am dominated, where I submit to the machinations and ideas of my wife. Yet, I know that in a male relationship I would be the dominate one. And I’m trying to puzzle this out now.

I feel that when my wife is in control and I am submitting to her I can be who I really am. There is no greater pleasure than being blindfolded and tied to where I cannot control my physical reactions to her touch, her lips, her tongue. We don’t get too insane only because we don’t have the time or space, for now.

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But I started reading Sunstone after she showed it to me, and I want to explore the S/M a bit more, on a deeper level. I know as a submissive she would push me to my limits but not break me, and all the while we’d be having fun. I love being tied up and played with. The pinching and biting driving me insane, the whole shebang is just… Me. What I crave, what I need.

And as a bisexual male, I’m a stranger creature. A stranger being than just a submissive heterosexual male. I crave strong women in my life, knowing them as a friend and with my wife as a lover and provider of my darkest desires. See, I know women are stronger than they are allowed to show. I know what our world has done to them. It’s no wonder that in the end, the male and female dom/sub relationship is stranger than any of us can imagine. It’s how we have the male fans of nut cracking. Its how we have women who professionally work as a dominatrix, and have male and female sub-missives begging them to mold them.

I never really put much thought into my bisexuality until a year or so ago, and I know that while we are happily married, I get curious off and on what it would be like with a man. What “vanilla” sex would be like with a him, and the dominating aspects of S/M. There is nothing hotter to me than seeing well done erotic pictures of a man tied and blind folded, being touched, fucked, and toyed with. 

But, once again, I am a strange creature. I’m happily married and not searching for my handsome nerdy man. I’ve been writing off and on stories and vignettes of erotic fiction A) because I need to post them as an e-book to make some sales, B) I can safely explore the darker side of my sexual needs. 

So, after finding Sunstone, I plan on downloading a game I just purchased and working on Figure 8, my real S/M short story. Its different, because its a woman as the main, and I want her to come out right. So, once again my wonderful editor Amanda will be helping me on this one. 

But as I read Sunstone I can’t but help feel strange, feel abnormal. But I don’t care. For being a bisexual man isn’t easy. Our society puts constraints and punishes bisexuals because its stranger than being just straight or just gay. It’s a mixture of both, and people need clearly defined lines. But I don’t care, its a part of who I am. It’s what I need, what I want, crave. And by being me, I can feel better about myself and the world I live in. I can be a damn good father, husband, friend, and worker. 

But one thing sticks out, damn do I love being blindfolded and played with.Image