Tag Archives: Love

Bi sexual and how I’m doing

So, I’m bi and I’m in the process of trying to figure out how to find what I need within my bisexual needs. I have my wonderful wife, but I need a man. But good god my situation is so unique and difficult that even finding someone able to understand it… Nearly impossible.

Yes, I’m married. Yes she knows about me being bi and needing a male counterpart. Yes, I’m happy with her. No, I don’t want to just bang out. I want a full on relationship with her and a man in my life.

But I live in a very conservative area and I don’t have any way of locally looking for what I need, not easily. But as I have gone on OkCupid and a few other sites and apps, its becoming apparent that even just finding a man who can accept what I need with what I have is difficult. I have been thinking lately of trying to find a poly dating site that isn’t a paywall hell, but allows me to branch out. At this point of my introspective spot that I’m in, I realize that I am such a unique creature that its like looking for a unicorn in a herd of zebras. Its there somewhere, but to see it between all the stripes and running around is difficult. Not to mention the dust storm kicked up from the running and stampeding.

So I shall take a step back, allow the universe to work for me, instead of me working against it. I have only been on the sites for about a month and I’ve shot gunned many people with messages and have made at least one lasting connection as friend. I’m grateful for her to listen and talk because we teach each other. I’m a bit dense and off kilter at times but overall I’m ok.

That is the thing that I have to understand, Im Ok. I’m not failing in my marriage and looking for love elsewhere, but growing and needing. So I need to change and alter my perceptions a bit. And maybe the first step is to take a few back so I can see what the universe brings to me. I’ve done it for awhile now, and although nothing has come to me, I feel as if its close to coming. I’ve been the one to reach out and talk and message, instead of waiting. 

You see, some may say I don’t even know what I want or need. Some would say I’m not ready if some things keep happening. But after you’ve been awakened to you and what you need its hard to step back. See, for years I just thought I was hetero with a bit of kinky. But as I look forward and backwards I see that I was bi all along and just didn’t accept it. I could have if my religious upbringing wasn’t so enforced into me. It could have been a thousand times easier. But it wasn’t. So here I am now. 

But one of the biggest difficulties in our world is that we men cannot talk frankly or openly about our emotional and or sexual needs with other men. Its frowned upon in many circles if your bisexual and its wrong. But you know what? Its not wrong. Its not wrong that your hetero or homosexual. It is what it is. Bisexuality is the ability to love more than one and to not be tied down to normal sexual identities in many cases. When one speaks of bisexuality or fluid or many other terms, its not the devil speaking. Its that person speaking. Of who they are and what they need or want. 

Being bisexual is strange and difficult and many other things at once. 

Its like your pulse quickens and that thread of tension appears randomly when you’re not expecting it to hit you. Yeah, I’ve had my ups and downs with being bi, and how that changes me and everything I know. But at the same time it feels right.

It is me at my purest form as I am. I need that duality and balance because this time around its what I am here to learn, to experience. The last time I was here, I wasn’t for long and couldn’t be me then, so yeah, I am going to be me now. I’m also going to search for what I need, not just what I want, but truly need to be happy. I have two halves of the equation already (wife and kids), and now its just a matter of finding a guy too.

Relationships and bondage

I am a sub. A submissive, and I love it with in my limits. Light bondage and other things in that realm. But I have found a domme that fits me perfectly. My wife knows my limits and needs even better than I do.

And that goes for her too. I know what she wants and needs. I give what I can, and work towards what I can’t at this time. This isn’t love related things, but physical things. Money, a car, housing we can afford.

But bondage is like that too. You give what you can, even if its using makeshift items until you can buy something that is “official” or legitimate.

Because you make your relationships work. Because it doesn’t matter if its a wife or a best friend. You make it work as best you can so you both are satisfied.

Because if you don’t shit goes wrong and people get hurt. You have to. People need connections, solid connections to others. And if we don’t have connections we flounder.

Like a woman who doesn’t understand your need to be blindfolded and pinched, licked, or bitten… not having a connection breaks you. It makes you feel useless and weightless. You float until you find a glimmer of that woman you need, and you cling. But if you cling too hard, they run.

My wife didn’t run when I finally came out about needing to be dommed. She is a domme. Because in our everyday life, we don’t have much control over our lives and the outside influences.

Bills, not finding work, and other things like that can destroy you. Individually and connected.

And I feel like Amanda that we need to control everything. Even things we honestly can’t control. I need to be shown that I don’t need to be in control. I need to be pushed to my limits and taken properly over that.

Amanda, my Goddess, does that for me. She takes me to the limit and over it.

And in our relationship, it’s the same. Not just bad things going over the limit, but she shows me how much I can go through and still be me. And good things like two children and 13yrs together shows me just how much love I have for my family :’)

When my mom died, we were apart for over 2 months. She was at home while I was in Tennesee making sure my brothers were watched over by someone. The whole time I was down there she was convinced that I was never really coming back.

The hell I wasn’t! She and my son were in Ohio! Every night I stayed up talking to her on Yahoo chat, messenger ect. Then Id crash after my brothers got off to school. Then Id do things to take care of my moms stuff. And it was a cycle. And so many times I fell asleep crying because she was convinced that I was cheating or lying.

But I wasn’t. And I eventually came home to her and my son.

And it got better. And bad things happend. And a cycle grew. But now that I’m open about my bisexuality (whether or not I explore it, its important she knew) and my bondage needs things are on track.

So, relationships and bondage are two sides of the same coin.

You give as much as you can, ever knowing the limits. You love as much as you can and feel those limits grow with you and your lover.

And being blindfolded and fucked silly is fun too.

Conundrums and relationships

Right now things are going strange for me. I discovered the Sunstone comic by way of Amanda, and I love it. What’s bothering me is my mind set right now.

I’m a committed father, husband, lover… all the awesome things that come with marriage and family. I’ve found the person I’m spending the rest of my life with 🙂

But I’m a late bloomer when it comes to understanding that I’m bisexual too. And now I’m in a tough spot.

Amanda is bi too, but she has decided to never explore. Me on the other hand… I want to explore my bisexual side. But I just want sex. Not a relationship, but just the sexual needs sated.

I know that I would keep it to just sex. But as a married man having these thoughts I can’t but help to feel like a total piece of shit. Course, I usually do any ways, but that’s my self esteem talking.

So I’m lost and confused. I want cock, almost need to explore it. And this bothersome. I need my wife. I need my family. But do I want or need sex with men? The more I think about it, its a loud and clanging yes.

And Amanda has done the smart thing and told me its my ball game me. To decide exactly what I want and need. And she will not make that choice for me. And in so many ways I’m glad she’s forcing me to figure things out.

But I tend to be the type of person who bottles shit up until it pops. No more. But damn it I don’t know. I know men turn me on and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with men.

If she consents to allowing me to explore, does this mean my marriage is fucked? No, it doesn’t. Nor does it stay the same. It might become a deeper and more enriching experience between me and her. Or it could all fall apart. That’s what scares me, losing it all. Just fading away like a bubble.

But something I do know 100% is that Id want to explore solo. I had mentioned before to her that Id want her there my first bi encounter. Now? I want it solo. I can’t even explain why this is, it just is.

But at the same time I don’t think its fair that Id explore my bisexual needs when she isn’t. She doesn’t need to, doesn’t want to she says. I’ll take her word for it, but she came out first and part of me says she should explore first then me.

And in all honesty, Id have no problems with her exploring her bisexual side. Solo or not, if she wanted to its available with no strings from me. I’m not the kind of douchebag to tell her go for it and demand the right to do so myself.

Because I know that if she was wanting to find a woman it wouldn’t just be sex. It’d be a relationship, and that I understand and give consent to already.

Its because I understand her. I understand what she would want or need out of it. And I accept that in her heart of hearts she needs the emotional and physical connections to me and a woman. It is what it is. Its her, how and who she is. And I love her 🙂

But on my end I would just want sex. And that’s the end of it. Yet, wording this has made me realize that if done right (if at all), Ill be ok. We’ll be ok.

So, any advice?

Feeling broken and lost

There are some times that I feel like something is broken or lost from me. I don’t know if its 100% psychological or if its spiritual. And I have to find time to try and delve into this.

When I think about it I realize that something is missing. But its not a family or even a job. Its deeper than that. Its…

I don’t make connections that last easily and the connections that I do make are easily collaspable at any time. And this burns me. I’m so different from anyone else on this plane of existance. And I mean outside of us all being indivuduals.

What I mean is this: for the longest time I pondered if I was human at all. Part of me thinks that my UFO and paranormal encounters are if nothing else signs of my different nature.

I’ve had everything from sightings of UFOs to spirits and each time it feels like home. The strange and paranormal feel like kin. And I’m ok with this… because with the family I’ve built and grown it completes me. Its not perfect but I know it fills a gap. My family was a good one until my mother passed away and we fell apart. My brothers and I don’t talk. My dad checks up on me off and on.

But it goes even deeper than that. My loneliness that I battle on a daily basis feels like its in the core of my being. I was probably concieved out of loneliness and that in turn affected me. Not to mention I was concieved twice with my mother. First as Michael, again as Todd Michael. So in my opinion I feel that has an impact, for good or ill.

But the loneliness is offset by my friends and family. I just want a cure.

I want to feel whole and happy. I want feel like I matter. So I’m plugging away at my projects.

I’m going to work on spreading myself to audiences that will read and understand me. And I’m going to work on connections. Emotional, spiritual, mental… I’m trying.