Tag Archives: BDSM

Done with D/S, maybe for good.

I’m done with D/S with my wife, my Domme. I don’t know if it’s for ever or if its temporary.

It’s my choice, not hers. I’m still deeply in love with her, its just that she doesn’t know how to Domme me. I’m not even going to try and explain it. Nor am I on the look out for replacement. I’m done with D/S.

I needed Domme’d more often than she realized, could do for me. Its not even an angry time. Just a soft, introspective time.

I’m also done trying to find my man, my hero. I’m just done. I’ll stand by my wife in her endeavors if it hasn’t collapsed.

Right now I’m not even upset. Just making a really strange and supposedly difficult life choice. Yet for me, its simple. I’m not finding what I need, what I’m looking for. So I’m going to stop looking. Stop trying to achieve what is improbable right now

Divergence: Erotic tales from a Different angle

So, I completed my short story collection and its been submitted. I’m scared to death about it because I have to now start thinking of a cover, and marketing my book. I think that the tales themselves will be able to sell the book, but its not normal erotica.

When I write, and I mean really write, my stories take common threads and add a twist to them. I’ll give you an example. When I started writing Edgewater, my novel it starts off like a neo-noir action novel. You have a drunk whose seen some shit, and a local cop willing to salvage the man inside the drunk. But what happens after several chapters is anything but normal.

I can’t just sit by and watch the same shitty stories be told over and over again. I have to put my twist to them, my take on the classical genre or tropes. I’m not being egotistical, I’m being honest.

And while most authors want to hide the erotica they make for a quick buck… I’m not. I’m not writing erotica for a quick sell. Because while my stories do have sex, first and foremost they are story driven. I think that the older I get, the more I understand that stories are everything and everything is stories. Its something that Harry Crews said once in a movie. The search for the wrong eyed Jesus, is a film about a British man trying to find more music like an album he was given once. The documentary takes us from the creepy swamps of Florida to the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia. But I discovered an awesome author in this film, Harry Crews.

But I’m getting off topic here. I just want to say that I’ll announce new details about my book when I get a chance, and have more details to write about. At this time though, I’m gonna game and start figuring out my next writing goal.

The struggle

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The struggle I face is multifacited. Its my bisexuality and bondage attraction. Its my everyday life. Its many things. Its my acceptance of being bi and loving what I call Intimate Bondage. Its the struggle with money, time, and family. Its everything that stresses me out, either momentarily or constantly.

But underneath it all, I’ll be ok. And I don’t need domme’d to know this. I think people are noticing me and my writings again. I know that my photography and writings will get me somewhere. My family is safe and warm. I have a job.

But its the struggle to maintain a balance that bothers me. Because I need duality, balance, and chaos all at the same time. Its strange to know I find peace in the blindfold squeezing around my head, and the quiet inner calm that fills me.

I’m dead serious when I say that being blindfolded, bound, and domme’d breaks me free from my struggle with the everyday. See, people are actually all sheeple. We all conform to a set of laws and regulations everywhere.

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Or we press against the wall afraid of an emu.

Publicly we obey the government and laws governing us. We follow the traffic laws, and laws about violent behavior. We wait impatiently in the pharmacy line without slitting the person giving everyone a detailed description of their sex life.

Privately we follow the rules and regulations of relationships. Between friendships, marriages, and other interactions we conform. Some people you can’t talk about cars or UFOs. Some people you can’t fart around.

We all conform into little boxes of neatness to present ourselves right.

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Even if its just wearing a shitty meme shirt.

And while we all know this, we need reminded of it. Because of people like me, and maybe you, we make the world. We make it revolve and change. The normal people, the ones who lost, do too. While they plug away at their shitty job and shitty life we carry on.

We bring the struggle to the front. We dye our hair crazy colors. We peirce our nipples or get tattoos. We stick out. On purpose.

Because we all have something to share. It might be limited like my interests, but I have things to say. Maybe they’ll be heard, maybe not. But I’m gonna say them. Because they need said.

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Sometimes we all need to let go.

A year or so ago, I thought about making my own church, “Todds church of not an asshole”.
And I realized that while people might listen, they wouldn’t get it. They wouldn’t understand that I was talking about them. So, I moved on from that brain fart.

But while my religious views are different, the principles are the same. Do as little harm as you travel through life. Its that simple.

But simplicity in a struggle, especially internal is never simple. Because I have to take the time and balance things internally so the external me can function. Because I was raised religious I rebel against myself and who I am. I accept my faults and blessings. But the struggle to maintain paradigm is difficult. And by expressing my bi wants/needs and my D/S/Bondage needs I am doing it.

I am balancing the struggles.

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Hoky hell Robin! All thats missing is Kirk!

But Id love it if I could get some feedback on my posts. I have little to no self esteem. I have no faith most of the time in me.

So, I leave you all with this thought: how do you fight the struggle? The daily and the extraordinary ones?

(NSFW) The curve

 

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As I think and move along the path of being a married bi male, I find myself thinking of something that Sunstone, and my wife brought up last night. The curve. The curve is when you no longer take the pleasure from the bondage or D/S, and keep pushing forward. Bigger, better, hotter ideas that force  you to push yourself and your limits. Not just your limits, but the limits of your partner. And that curve is dangerous for you and your partner(s). The curve will break you or make you, and its important to be aware of that curve. I’ve not reached that curve, nor have I pushed my wife to that curve. But now that she’s reminded me of the curve I am going to keep and eye out for it. Because I need my wife. She is my love, my best friend. She has been there for me when everyone else has faded or died. She is the one. 

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But as i contemplate the curve, I realize that while i don’t need Domme’d or bondage every time we have sex, I want it. I need it. Crave it in so many ways. But love making is important too. Don’t stop thinking about the pure aspect of sex, of love making. Expressing love and need physically. We need this, and like my wife said… she can’t domme me every time. I agree, and i have come to realize when exactly I need the Domme/bondage. Its when my everyday life is out of control and I feel that everything is out of control. I use the high, the intimacy of bondage to break free of the pain, the frustrations. 

See, bondage is different for everyone. Some use it as the only way to get off, some like I do, others need the pain and terror to feel alive. As I grow and become more and more comfortable in my skin, in my needs, I understand.

I understand the bondage, and the bisexuality.

Its who I am. The curve won’t happen if I keep my eye out for it,

But as I understand questions arise. Things pop into my mind. Fantasy or need? Want or have?

It is those questions that bother me, make me scared for myself. Not that I would do something stupid, so fucking stupid, like cheating. I’m not that type. Things have happened in the past that might have lead to it, but I never acted upon them in a manner that would destroy my relationship with my wife. Because of the bisexuality that we share, she does understand where I stand on my questions. Of the need for a same sex partner or not. Of the moments of feeling like I’m the most disturbing motherfucker in the world because of my needs, my wants.

But I’m normal. There are some things that are not normal, and those people need shot. Then burned, stabbed, and left to heal and done to again. Unless they like it. Then just kill them. And in my realization of my normality I take comfort from knowing that this is just part of me. This below is something that I find hot. 

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There are times that I wonder what my limit could or would be. I know that my limit isn’t the same as my fantasy limits. In my head thinking of naughty things I want done to me its safe. In the real world the smallest thing could trigger a panic. So while I want to push forward, see what we can do together I want to expand in some ways. The bondage is new to us, in my craving and need for it being accepted by me. See, my wife knew I was a switch and bi before I did. She is pure Domme, and what I need.

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As a switch my mind wanders, from wanting domme’d by Amanda to wanting to dom a man. I’d dom the right guy so hard its not even funny. But with the right guy I want to be dom/domme’d. But I could never dom my wife. I can’t do that to women. 

And as I delve deeper into the different aspects of FemDom, submissive males, and what not I realize that I am different from most. I love rope bondage, I love being domme’d hard. I love the idea of domming a man hard. But the pain, the cringe worthy things that people do bother me. For me, there is a difference between being domme’d hard and being hurt. The form of domme’d and bondage I need are more intimate forms of it. i want to be domme’d by her in ways that expel both our frustrations and stress, not just mine. Amanda the other night surprised me. She’s domme’d me before, and damn well.

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But she was getting turned on by it. I could hear her breathe deeper, erratically. I could sense her arousal at me being domme’d and loving it. She was turned on by my captivity. I’ve known for awhile that she is a Domme, but she came into her own right then. She did things that she’d never done before, and I wanted her to push me. Push me to limits, but as a Sub I couldn’t ask without ruining what I needed from her. So, afterwards we talked about what was awesome, what I wanted and need. 

And to me, that is a way to avoid the curve. Talk, discuss, work together. Because I want to never see the curve. That is the goal, well besides some really hot orgasms. To express and show our affection through the B/D/S, and every day life. Right now in our real lives things are insanely busy, crazy. It sucks, but we deal with it and make things as best as we can. But I have a few ideas in the next few months to make things better, make her smile. But, for now I’m gonna go think about some stuff. 

And I’m gonna avoid that Curve, that off the rails moment when things go crazy because the need to be domme’d. 

 

But god damn being domme’d and dom’d would be fucking hot.

Rope bites (NSFW)

I want to feel the rope bites on my skin. I want to feel the indentations of the nylon rope left on my flesh. The muscles relaxing from the arching and struggling against them.

I want to be tied up and toyed with by my wife and a man. And this is perfectly normal. My needs are rational and good for me.

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The bindings are a release. They take the pain and frustrations away. They let me feel good about myself. In my every day life I feel frustrated, angry, hurt. I feel like no one understands me outside of a handful of people. The world doesn’t understand my interests inside and out of the bedroom. We live in a conservative state, with crazy people that think god is the only thing that’ll save us.

And as I move through this life and world I inhabit, my mind is filled with thoughts of gaming, aliens, pagan thoughts. My mind floats to my bisexuality and needs. It floats towards topics I can’t speak of out loud.

And I’m ok with this. I’m a bi male who is a switch. I’ve only ever been with my wife, but god damn do I think about domming some guys. Maybe being dominated by a few too.

But I want the rope bites. I want to feel the fabric pull against my flesh. To free me. To free my heart. And unless you know anything about D/S and bondage this is alien to you.

Welcome to my world. I feel like an alien in yours. You don’t think like I do, what I do.

And that’s normal too. See, deep down between the bisexuality and switching if I get a chance… I feel embarassed and self concious about me. I feel like I have nothing to be ashamed of yet, feel shame. I feel normal in my needs and wants of both sexes. For my needs are normal. For me. But society has filtered our perceptions of right and wrong. We all know those filters, and how they exist. But I struggle with them, daily. And I know in my heart of hearts I have nothing to be ashamed of. But the needs feel too alien, for my upbringing. Yet they are so simple.

I need my wife, my domme. I need a man to dom. It comes down to duality. I crave duality more than anything, for it balances me. And in my public mask, I act normal and like the rest of you. Behind that mask is me. We all wear masks. We all hide ourselves from the world and ourselves.

And that is normal too. See, sex is normal. It’s nature. And while animals don’t put emotional, moral, and social values on sexuality… Humans do. Its the backbone of our society and its workings. And while sex is a backbone of our culture, love is an enigma.

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Love exists. Many people base their adult lives around it. Some are “vanilla” in the expression of their love. Others like me express it differently. And as I love my wife I need things that thankfully she’s ok with. But love exists and is different. Mine involves rope bites, blindfolds, and bisexual thoughts.

The rope bites into the flesh as I struggle physically and feel my Heart soar free.

Relationships and bondage

I am a sub. A submissive, and I love it with in my limits. Light bondage and other things in that realm. But I have found a domme that fits me perfectly. My wife knows my limits and needs even better than I do.

And that goes for her too. I know what she wants and needs. I give what I can, and work towards what I can’t at this time. This isn’t love related things, but physical things. Money, a car, housing we can afford.

But bondage is like that too. You give what you can, even if its using makeshift items until you can buy something that is “official” or legitimate.

Because you make your relationships work. Because it doesn’t matter if its a wife or a best friend. You make it work as best you can so you both are satisfied.

Because if you don’t shit goes wrong and people get hurt. You have to. People need connections, solid connections to others. And if we don’t have connections we flounder.

Like a woman who doesn’t understand your need to be blindfolded and pinched, licked, or bitten… not having a connection breaks you. It makes you feel useless and weightless. You float until you find a glimmer of that woman you need, and you cling. But if you cling too hard, they run.

My wife didn’t run when I finally came out about needing to be dommed. She is a domme. Because in our everyday life, we don’t have much control over our lives and the outside influences.

Bills, not finding work, and other things like that can destroy you. Individually and connected.

And I feel like Amanda that we need to control everything. Even things we honestly can’t control. I need to be shown that I don’t need to be in control. I need to be pushed to my limits and taken properly over that.

Amanda, my Goddess, does that for me. She takes me to the limit and over it.

And in our relationship, it’s the same. Not just bad things going over the limit, but she shows me how much I can go through and still be me. And good things like two children and 13yrs together shows me just how much love I have for my family :’)

When my mom died, we were apart for over 2 months. She was at home while I was in Tennesee making sure my brothers were watched over by someone. The whole time I was down there she was convinced that I was never really coming back.

The hell I wasn’t! She and my son were in Ohio! Every night I stayed up talking to her on Yahoo chat, messenger ect. Then Id crash after my brothers got off to school. Then Id do things to take care of my moms stuff. And it was a cycle. And so many times I fell asleep crying because she was convinced that I was cheating or lying.

But I wasn’t. And I eventually came home to her and my son.

And it got better. And bad things happend. And a cycle grew. But now that I’m open about my bisexuality (whether or not I explore it, its important she knew) and my bondage needs things are on track.

So, relationships and bondage are two sides of the same coin.

You give as much as you can, ever knowing the limits. You love as much as you can and feel those limits grow with you and your lover.

And being blindfolded and fucked silly is fun too.