Tag Archives: advice

Bi sexual and how I’m doing

So, I’m bi and I’m in the process of trying to figure out how to find what I need within my bisexual needs. I have my wonderful wife, but I need a man. But good god my situation is so unique and difficult that even finding someone able to understand it… Nearly impossible.

Yes, I’m married. Yes she knows about me being bi and needing a male counterpart. Yes, I’m happy with her. No, I don’t want to just bang out. I want a full on relationship with her and a man in my life.

But I live in a very conservative area and I don’t have any way of locally looking for what I need, not easily. But as I have gone on OkCupid and a few other sites and apps, its becoming apparent that even just finding a man who can accept what I need with what I have is difficult. I have been thinking lately of trying to find a poly dating site that isn’t a paywall hell, but allows me to branch out. At this point of my introspective spot that I’m in, I realize that I am such a unique creature that its like looking for a unicorn in a herd of zebras. Its there somewhere, but to see it between all the stripes and running around is difficult. Not to mention the dust storm kicked up from the running and stampeding.

So I shall take a step back, allow the universe to work for me, instead of me working against it. I have only been on the sites for about a month and I’ve shot gunned many people with messages and have made at least one lasting connection as friend. I’m grateful for her to listen and talk because we teach each other. I’m a bit dense and off kilter at times but overall I’m ok.

That is the thing that I have to understand, Im Ok. I’m not failing in my marriage and looking for love elsewhere, but growing and needing. So I need to change and alter my perceptions a bit. And maybe the first step is to take a few back so I can see what the universe brings to me. I’ve done it for awhile now, and although nothing has come to me, I feel as if its close to coming. I’ve been the one to reach out and talk and message, instead of waiting. 

You see, some may say I don’t even know what I want or need. Some would say I’m not ready if some things keep happening. But after you’ve been awakened to you and what you need its hard to step back. See, for years I just thought I was hetero with a bit of kinky. But as I look forward and backwards I see that I was bi all along and just didn’t accept it. I could have if my religious upbringing wasn’t so enforced into me. It could have been a thousand times easier. But it wasn’t. So here I am now. 

But one of the biggest difficulties in our world is that we men cannot talk frankly or openly about our emotional and or sexual needs with other men. Its frowned upon in many circles if your bisexual and its wrong. But you know what? Its not wrong. Its not wrong that your hetero or homosexual. It is what it is. Bisexuality is the ability to love more than one and to not be tied down to normal sexual identities in many cases. When one speaks of bisexuality or fluid or many other terms, its not the devil speaking. Its that person speaking. Of who they are and what they need or want. 

Being bisexual is strange and difficult and many other things at once. 

Its like your pulse quickens and that thread of tension appears randomly when you’re not expecting it to hit you. Yeah, I’ve had my ups and downs with being bi, and how that changes me and everything I know. But at the same time it feels right.

It is me at my purest form as I am. I need that duality and balance because this time around its what I am here to learn, to experience. The last time I was here, I wasn’t for long and couldn’t be me then, so yeah, I am going to be me now. I’m also going to search for what I need, not just what I want, but truly need to be happy. I have two halves of the equation already (wife and kids), and now its just a matter of finding a guy too.

The struggle

image

The struggle I face is multifacited. Its my bisexuality and bondage attraction. Its my everyday life. Its many things. Its my acceptance of being bi and loving what I call Intimate Bondage. Its the struggle with money, time, and family. Its everything that stresses me out, either momentarily or constantly.

But underneath it all, I’ll be ok. And I don’t need domme’d to know this. I think people are noticing me and my writings again. I know that my photography and writings will get me somewhere. My family is safe and warm. I have a job.

But its the struggle to maintain a balance that bothers me. Because I need duality, balance, and chaos all at the same time. Its strange to know I find peace in the blindfold squeezing around my head, and the quiet inner calm that fills me.

I’m dead serious when I say that being blindfolded, bound, and domme’d breaks me free from my struggle with the everyday. See, people are actually all sheeple. We all conform to a set of laws and regulations everywhere.

image
Or we press against the wall afraid of an emu.

Publicly we obey the government and laws governing us. We follow the traffic laws, and laws about violent behavior. We wait impatiently in the pharmacy line without slitting the person giving everyone a detailed description of their sex life.

Privately we follow the rules and regulations of relationships. Between friendships, marriages, and other interactions we conform. Some people you can’t talk about cars or UFOs. Some people you can’t fart around.

We all conform into little boxes of neatness to present ourselves right.

image
Even if its just wearing a shitty meme shirt.

And while we all know this, we need reminded of it. Because of people like me, and maybe you, we make the world. We make it revolve and change. The normal people, the ones who lost, do too. While they plug away at their shitty job and shitty life we carry on.

We bring the struggle to the front. We dye our hair crazy colors. We peirce our nipples or get tattoos. We stick out. On purpose.

Because we all have something to share. It might be limited like my interests, but I have things to say. Maybe they’ll be heard, maybe not. But I’m gonna say them. Because they need said.

image
Sometimes we all need to let go.

A year or so ago, I thought about making my own church, “Todds church of not an asshole”.
And I realized that while people might listen, they wouldn’t get it. They wouldn’t understand that I was talking about them. So, I moved on from that brain fart.

But while my religious views are different, the principles are the same. Do as little harm as you travel through life. Its that simple.

But simplicity in a struggle, especially internal is never simple. Because I have to take the time and balance things internally so the external me can function. Because I was raised religious I rebel against myself and who I am. I accept my faults and blessings. But the struggle to maintain paradigm is difficult. And by expressing my bi wants/needs and my D/S/Bondage needs I am doing it.

I am balancing the struggles.

image
Hoky hell Robin! All thats missing is Kirk!

But Id love it if I could get some feedback on my posts. I have little to no self esteem. I have no faith most of the time in me.

So, I leave you all with this thought: how do you fight the struggle? The daily and the extraordinary ones?

(NSFW) The curve

 

Image

As I think and move along the path of being a married bi male, I find myself thinking of something that Sunstone, and my wife brought up last night. The curve. The curve is when you no longer take the pleasure from the bondage or D/S, and keep pushing forward. Bigger, better, hotter ideas that force  you to push yourself and your limits. Not just your limits, but the limits of your partner. And that curve is dangerous for you and your partner(s). The curve will break you or make you, and its important to be aware of that curve. I’ve not reached that curve, nor have I pushed my wife to that curve. But now that she’s reminded me of the curve I am going to keep and eye out for it. Because I need my wife. She is my love, my best friend. She has been there for me when everyone else has faded or died. She is the one. 

Image

But as i contemplate the curve, I realize that while i don’t need Domme’d or bondage every time we have sex, I want it. I need it. Crave it in so many ways. But love making is important too. Don’t stop thinking about the pure aspect of sex, of love making. Expressing love and need physically. We need this, and like my wife said… she can’t domme me every time. I agree, and i have come to realize when exactly I need the Domme/bondage. Its when my everyday life is out of control and I feel that everything is out of control. I use the high, the intimacy of bondage to break free of the pain, the frustrations. 

See, bondage is different for everyone. Some use it as the only way to get off, some like I do, others need the pain and terror to feel alive. As I grow and become more and more comfortable in my skin, in my needs, I understand.

I understand the bondage, and the bisexuality.

Its who I am. The curve won’t happen if I keep my eye out for it,

But as I understand questions arise. Things pop into my mind. Fantasy or need? Want or have?

It is those questions that bother me, make me scared for myself. Not that I would do something stupid, so fucking stupid, like cheating. I’m not that type. Things have happened in the past that might have lead to it, but I never acted upon them in a manner that would destroy my relationship with my wife. Because of the bisexuality that we share, she does understand where I stand on my questions. Of the need for a same sex partner or not. Of the moments of feeling like I’m the most disturbing motherfucker in the world because of my needs, my wants.

But I’m normal. There are some things that are not normal, and those people need shot. Then burned, stabbed, and left to heal and done to again. Unless they like it. Then just kill them. And in my realization of my normality I take comfort from knowing that this is just part of me. This below is something that I find hot. 

Image

There are times that I wonder what my limit could or would be. I know that my limit isn’t the same as my fantasy limits. In my head thinking of naughty things I want done to me its safe. In the real world the smallest thing could trigger a panic. So while I want to push forward, see what we can do together I want to expand in some ways. The bondage is new to us, in my craving and need for it being accepted by me. See, my wife knew I was a switch and bi before I did. She is pure Domme, and what I need.

Image

As a switch my mind wanders, from wanting domme’d by Amanda to wanting to dom a man. I’d dom the right guy so hard its not even funny. But with the right guy I want to be dom/domme’d. But I could never dom my wife. I can’t do that to women. 

And as I delve deeper into the different aspects of FemDom, submissive males, and what not I realize that I am different from most. I love rope bondage, I love being domme’d hard. I love the idea of domming a man hard. But the pain, the cringe worthy things that people do bother me. For me, there is a difference between being domme’d hard and being hurt. The form of domme’d and bondage I need are more intimate forms of it. i want to be domme’d by her in ways that expel both our frustrations and stress, not just mine. Amanda the other night surprised me. She’s domme’d me before, and damn well.

Image

But she was getting turned on by it. I could hear her breathe deeper, erratically. I could sense her arousal at me being domme’d and loving it. She was turned on by my captivity. I’ve known for awhile that she is a Domme, but she came into her own right then. She did things that she’d never done before, and I wanted her to push me. Push me to limits, but as a Sub I couldn’t ask without ruining what I needed from her. So, afterwards we talked about what was awesome, what I wanted and need. 

And to me, that is a way to avoid the curve. Talk, discuss, work together. Because I want to never see the curve. That is the goal, well besides some really hot orgasms. To express and show our affection through the B/D/S, and every day life. Right now in our real lives things are insanely busy, crazy. It sucks, but we deal with it and make things as best as we can. But I have a few ideas in the next few months to make things better, make her smile. But, for now I’m gonna go think about some stuff. 

And I’m gonna avoid that Curve, that off the rails moment when things go crazy because the need to be domme’d. 

 

But god damn being domme’d and dom’d would be fucking hot.

Conundrums and relationships

Right now things are going strange for me. I discovered the Sunstone comic by way of Amanda, and I love it. What’s bothering me is my mind set right now.

I’m a committed father, husband, lover… all the awesome things that come with marriage and family. I’ve found the person I’m spending the rest of my life with 🙂

But I’m a late bloomer when it comes to understanding that I’m bisexual too. And now I’m in a tough spot.

Amanda is bi too, but she has decided to never explore. Me on the other hand… I want to explore my bisexual side. But I just want sex. Not a relationship, but just the sexual needs sated.

I know that I would keep it to just sex. But as a married man having these thoughts I can’t but help to feel like a total piece of shit. Course, I usually do any ways, but that’s my self esteem talking.

So I’m lost and confused. I want cock, almost need to explore it. And this bothersome. I need my wife. I need my family. But do I want or need sex with men? The more I think about it, its a loud and clanging yes.

And Amanda has done the smart thing and told me its my ball game me. To decide exactly what I want and need. And she will not make that choice for me. And in so many ways I’m glad she’s forcing me to figure things out.

But I tend to be the type of person who bottles shit up until it pops. No more. But damn it I don’t know. I know men turn me on and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with men.

If she consents to allowing me to explore, does this mean my marriage is fucked? No, it doesn’t. Nor does it stay the same. It might become a deeper and more enriching experience between me and her. Or it could all fall apart. That’s what scares me, losing it all. Just fading away like a bubble.

But something I do know 100% is that Id want to explore solo. I had mentioned before to her that Id want her there my first bi encounter. Now? I want it solo. I can’t even explain why this is, it just is.

But at the same time I don’t think its fair that Id explore my bisexual needs when she isn’t. She doesn’t need to, doesn’t want to she says. I’ll take her word for it, but she came out first and part of me says she should explore first then me.

And in all honesty, Id have no problems with her exploring her bisexual side. Solo or not, if she wanted to its available with no strings from me. I’m not the kind of douchebag to tell her go for it and demand the right to do so myself.

Because I know that if she was wanting to find a woman it wouldn’t just be sex. It’d be a relationship, and that I understand and give consent to already.

Its because I understand her. I understand what she would want or need out of it. And I accept that in her heart of hearts she needs the emotional and physical connections to me and a woman. It is what it is. Its her, how and who she is. And I love her 🙂

But on my end I would just want sex. And that’s the end of it. Yet, wording this has made me realize that if done right (if at all), Ill be ok. We’ll be ok.

So, any advice?