I really don’t have a title, and I just have a few things to share. I’m on an anti-smoking med, and I’m going to quit smoking. I also have been having a rough time with my bisexuality and my needs. And I don’t know how to put words to screen. I’m a little lost.
I need the bondage and D/S even more all of a sudden. It bothers me how badly I need it.
I also submitted a short story collection of alternative erotica. Waiting to hear back.
Sometimes I have ideas pop into my head that are born from the ether, sometimes its photos. The stories that pop into my mind are random, violent, sexy, or even slow burns. I have ideas that I’ll never flesh out, some I will.
Other times, I listen to podcasts and they formulate stories for me. I was listening to The Paracast and JC Johnson talking about his recent cases in the American South West. And I was thinking of another story Id written ages ago.
And now I have an idea for a story. Probably not a novel, but its something. The more I write, the more I realize that I love the short story or novelette idea. I can get my idea out, and there is a new market for them in ebooks and anthologies. Because print books are slowly dying, short stories are making a come back.
And I like the idea that they are. It is an artform that has lost meaning and practice in America. With our faster paced society, we have less time and short stories are great for that. It fufills the want to read, and it usually doesn’t take much time.
So, back to creation. I think most of my ideas are born from outside of me. The other worlds I’ve seen and experienced. Not fan-fiction, but taking archetypes and finding a twist and making it my own. We are all influenced by the media we ingest and enjoy. Games or books, television shows or movies, all inspire us.
You will never see me writing hack shit. Never. Maybe some bad writing here and there, but never hack.
The other place my ideas come from is me. Emotional states, memories, and things I’ve seen all spur me on to write. Some fiction, some non-fiction.
But at the end of the day? Ideas come from the strangest places.
And I like that.
The struggle I face is multifacited. Its my bisexuality and bondage attraction. Its my everyday life. Its many things. Its my acceptance of being bi and loving what I call Intimate Bondage. Its the struggle with money, time, and family. Its everything that stresses me out, either momentarily or constantly.
But underneath it all, I’ll be ok. And I don’t need domme’d to know this. I think people are noticing me and my writings again. I know that my photography and writings will get me somewhere. My family is safe and warm. I have a job.
But its the struggle to maintain a balance that bothers me. Because I need duality, balance, and chaos all at the same time. Its strange to know I find peace in the blindfold squeezing around my head, and the quiet inner calm that fills me.
I’m dead serious when I say that being blindfolded, bound, and domme’d breaks me free from my struggle with the everyday. See, people are actually all sheeple. We all conform to a set of laws and regulations everywhere.
Publicly we obey the government and laws governing us. We follow the traffic laws, and laws about violent behavior. We wait impatiently in the pharmacy line without slitting the person giving everyone a detailed description of their sex life.
Privately we follow the rules and regulations of relationships. Between friendships, marriages, and other interactions we conform. Some people you can’t talk about cars or UFOs. Some people you can’t fart around.
We all conform into little boxes of neatness to present ourselves right.
And while we all know this, we need reminded of it. Because of people like me, and maybe you, we make the world. We make it revolve and change. The normal people, the ones who lost, do too. While they plug away at their shitty job and shitty life we carry on.
We bring the struggle to the front. We dye our hair crazy colors. We peirce our nipples or get tattoos. We stick out. On purpose.
Because we all have something to share. It might be limited like my interests, but I have things to say. Maybe they’ll be heard, maybe not. But I’m gonna say them. Because they need said.
A year or so ago, I thought about making my own church, “Todds church of not an asshole”.
And I realized that while people might listen, they wouldn’t get it. They wouldn’t understand that I was talking about them. So, I moved on from that brain fart.
But while my religious views are different, the principles are the same. Do as little harm as you travel through life. Its that simple.
But simplicity in a struggle, especially internal is never simple. Because I have to take the time and balance things internally so the external me can function. Because I was raised religious I rebel against myself and who I am. I accept my faults and blessings. But the struggle to maintain paradigm is difficult. And by expressing my bi wants/needs and my D/S/Bondage needs I am doing it.
I am balancing the struggles.
But Id love it if I could get some feedback on my posts. I have little to no self esteem. I have no faith most of the time in me.
So, I leave you all with this thought: how do you fight the struggle? The daily and the extraordinary ones?