So, I’m bi and I’m in the process of trying to figure out how to find what I need within my bisexual needs. I have my wonderful wife, but I need a man. But good god my situation is so unique and difficult that even finding someone able to understand it… Nearly impossible.
Yes, I’m married. Yes she knows about me being bi and needing a male counterpart. Yes, I’m happy with her. No, I don’t want to just bang out. I want a full on relationship with her and a man in my life.
But I live in a very conservative area and I don’t have any way of locally looking for what I need, not easily. But as I have gone on OkCupid and a few other sites and apps, its becoming apparent that even just finding a man who can accept what I need with what I have is difficult. I have been thinking lately of trying to find a poly dating site that isn’t a paywall hell, but allows me to branch out. At this point of my introspective spot that I’m in, I realize that I am such a unique creature that its like looking for a unicorn in a herd of zebras. Its there somewhere, but to see it between all the stripes and running around is difficult. Not to mention the dust storm kicked up from the running and stampeding.
So I shall take a step back, allow the universe to work for me, instead of me working against it. I have only been on the sites for about a month and I’ve shot gunned many people with messages and have made at least one lasting connection as friend. I’m grateful for her to listen and talk because we teach each other. I’m a bit dense and off kilter at times but overall I’m ok.
That is the thing that I have to understand, Im Ok. I’m not failing in my marriage and looking for love elsewhere, but growing and needing. So I need to change and alter my perceptions a bit. And maybe the first step is to take a few back so I can see what the universe brings to me. I’ve done it for awhile now, and although nothing has come to me, I feel as if its close to coming. I’ve been the one to reach out and talk and message, instead of waiting.
You see, some may say I don’t even know what I want or need. Some would say I’m not ready if some things keep happening. But after you’ve been awakened to you and what you need its hard to step back. See, for years I just thought I was hetero with a bit of kinky. But as I look forward and backwards I see that I was bi all along and just didn’t accept it. I could have if my religious upbringing wasn’t so enforced into me. It could have been a thousand times easier. But it wasn’t. So here I am now.
But one of the biggest difficulties in our world is that we men cannot talk frankly or openly about our emotional and or sexual needs with other men. Its frowned upon in many circles if your bisexual and its wrong. But you know what? Its not wrong. Its not wrong that your hetero or homosexual. It is what it is. Bisexuality is the ability to love more than one and to not be tied down to normal sexual identities in many cases. When one speaks of bisexuality or fluid or many other terms, its not the devil speaking. Its that person speaking. Of who they are and what they need or want.
Being bisexual is strange and difficult and many other things at once.
Its like your pulse quickens and that thread of tension appears randomly when you’re not expecting it to hit you. Yeah, I’ve had my ups and downs with being bi, and how that changes me and everything I know. But at the same time it feels right.
It is me at my purest form as I am. I need that duality and balance because this time around its what I am here to learn, to experience. The last time I was here, I wasn’t for long and couldn’t be me then, so yeah, I am going to be me now. I’m also going to search for what I need, not just what I want, but truly need to be happy. I have two halves of the equation already (wife and kids), and now its just a matter of finding a guy too.