Right now things are going strange for me. I discovered the Sunstone comic by way of Amanda, and I love it. What’s bothering me is my mind set right now.
I’m a committed father, husband, lover… all the awesome things that come with marriage and family. I’ve found the person I’m spending the rest of my life with 🙂
But I’m a late bloomer when it comes to understanding that I’m bisexual too. And now I’m in a tough spot.
Amanda is bi too, but she has decided to never explore. Me on the other hand… I want to explore my bisexual side. But I just want sex. Not a relationship, but just the sexual needs sated.
I know that I would keep it to just sex. But as a married man having these thoughts I can’t but help to feel like a total piece of shit. Course, I usually do any ways, but that’s my self esteem talking.
So I’m lost and confused. I want cock, almost need to explore it. And this bothersome. I need my wife. I need my family. But do I want or need sex with men? The more I think about it, its a loud and clanging yes.
And Amanda has done the smart thing and told me its my ball game me. To decide exactly what I want and need. And she will not make that choice for me. And in so many ways I’m glad she’s forcing me to figure things out.
But I tend to be the type of person who bottles shit up until it pops. No more. But damn it I don’t know. I know men turn me on and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with men.
If she consents to allowing me to explore, does this mean my marriage is fucked? No, it doesn’t. Nor does it stay the same. It might become a deeper and more enriching experience between me and her. Or it could all fall apart. That’s what scares me, losing it all. Just fading away like a bubble.
But something I do know 100% is that Id want to explore solo. I had mentioned before to her that Id want her there my first bi encounter. Now? I want it solo. I can’t even explain why this is, it just is.
But at the same time I don’t think its fair that Id explore my bisexual needs when she isn’t. She doesn’t need to, doesn’t want to she says. I’ll take her word for it, but she came out first and part of me says she should explore first then me.
And in all honesty, Id have no problems with her exploring her bisexual side. Solo or not, if she wanted to its available with no strings from me. I’m not the kind of douchebag to tell her go for it and demand the right to do so myself.
Because I know that if she was wanting to find a woman it wouldn’t just be sex. It’d be a relationship, and that I understand and give consent to already.
Its because I understand her. I understand what she would want or need out of it. And I accept that in her heart of hearts she needs the emotional and physical connections to me and a woman. It is what it is. Its her, how and who she is. And I love her 🙂
But on my end I would just want sex. And that’s the end of it. Yet, wording this has made me realize that if done right (if at all), Ill be ok. We’ll be ok.
So, any advice?