There are some times that I feel like something is broken or lost from me. I don’t know if its 100% psychological or if its spiritual. And I have to find time to try and delve into this.
When I think about it I realize that something is missing. But its not a family or even a job. Its deeper than that. Its…
I don’t make connections that last easily and the connections that I do make are easily collaspable at any time. And this burns me. I’m so different from anyone else on this plane of existance. And I mean outside of us all being indivuduals.
What I mean is this: for the longest time I pondered if I was human at all. Part of me thinks that my UFO and paranormal encounters are if nothing else signs of my different nature.
I’ve had everything from sightings of UFOs to spirits and each time it feels like home. The strange and paranormal feel like kin. And I’m ok with this… because with the family I’ve built and grown it completes me. Its not perfect but I know it fills a gap. My family was a good one until my mother passed away and we fell apart. My brothers and I don’t talk. My dad checks up on me off and on.
But it goes even deeper than that. My loneliness that I battle on a daily basis feels like its in the core of my being. I was probably concieved out of loneliness and that in turn affected me. Not to mention I was concieved twice with my mother. First as Michael, again as Todd Michael. So in my opinion I feel that has an impact, for good or ill.
But the loneliness is offset by my friends and family. I just want a cure.
I want to feel whole and happy. I want feel like I matter. So I’m plugging away at my projects.
I’m going to work on spreading myself to audiences that will read and understand me. And I’m going to work on connections. Emotional, spiritual, mental… I’m trying.