Fuck White shorts…
Ever since I was about 10 years old, I can’t wear pure white shorts. I need to explain some stuff before I go into why I can’t wear them. I will wear off white shorts, but never pure white shorts. When I was small, around 3-4 years old to be exactish, I got Scarlet Fever. I remember laying in bed, sweating and feeling like I was on fire, and my mom squeezing cold water on my forehead. I lived in Florida at this time, and I think it was summer. My godmother was there, watching over me, and I remembered the wooden bowl my mom used for years, and only that. I thought it was a hazy dream, until in my teens my mom explained to me what happened.
But ever since then my internal thermostat is off, and I’m constantly feeling hot as hell when others are freezing. But when I was younger and living in Florida, I would get over heated. When my body got over heated I got sick, diarrhea and vomiting. I remember once when my brother was just born and I had to go visit my mom in the hospital on a hot day. I had a cup of tea with me, and the car we had was small and hot. At some point I vomited in my shoes, and all I can really remember is my mom feeling bad for me. That and this small sticks of tea or something in my cup from where half of it went. But I also remember thinking I was too hot. Either way, on to the main point of my story.
We moved to Ohio when I was 7, and we lived in a mobile home in the middle of a field. It got hot a lot and my parents eventually found out that kids under 7 ate free at the local Ponderosa, and I was small for my age. So my parents would take us out to there when they had the money and since we three kids (me and my two brothers) were under 7, my parents paid $15 to feed us all and get out of the heat. The first time we went, no problem.
But the second time, I was wearing white shorts. Brand new white shorts. And while I was walking up to the buffet to get a little more food, I farted. Well it was a shart, and it shot out of my little ass like a fire hose. I stopped and dropped my plate, running to the bathroom. I cleaned up as best as a 7yr old can, sat down at the table. Mom looks at me, not saying anything. My dad yelled at me for dropping my plate and running somewhere. I sat there, embarrassed.
We got home and I told mom. She got me in the shower and cleaned up, and I forgot about it. The next time we went, no deal, had on some shorts from the year before. Third time is the charm. I knew I was in white shorts and the track record I had…
I didn’t feel sick or anything, and I was eating like normal, and at the table I felt my stomach squicky on me. I stood to run to the bathroom. Yeah. Bad mistake.
My family knew what had happened, and my mom felt really bad. But we had to go shopping right after dinner… So I walked around Big Wheel with shit stained pure white shorts. And that’s why I never wear them anymore. I’m not 29 going on 30 and crapping my pants.